Saturday, June 20, 2009

Stepping Stones



Most days I just wake up and feel..... blah.

It's too early, it's too cold and my bed's just too comfy to get out of.

By the time I'm out of bed, I'm already feeling guilty about the lost time that have could been used for more productive things.


I'm beginning to find it a hard habit to break out of. I'd always tell myself that I'd go to bed earlier and wake up earlier; you know... fix the body clock but it never happens.
Occasionally I do manage to wake up early but after an hour or so of being sleepy and cold, I just dive back under the warm covers of my quilt.


At night, I have a hard time falling asleep because I'm constantly thinking about my fears. I have dreams every night; mostly vivid, strange and sometimes terrifying dreams that leave me drained and perplexed in the morning. When the alarm rings, my body refuses to get out of bed, simply because sleep is a great way to escape the dreadful reality. Ignorance is bliss. And when I do get out, I'm sluggish and groggy for the next two - three hours.


I used to be a morning person. Back in high school, I would wake up 5 am and ready to take on the world. However, back then I didn't have much to stress about.


Now, I often lose touch with myself. Drowning myself in deep thoughts each day; constantly worrying whether I would get a good job and wondering when my Australian Permanent Residency application will be approved. I feel as if I am trapped in a cell, pacing back and forth, staring at the shut door, half-hoping that it would open so I do not have to wait any longer and yet half-dreading that when it opens, it's really just being slammed in my face.


I keep telling myself that things will get better; especially once my PR is approved. I've heard stories from friends that they were only able to get a job after they've obtained their residency. However, I am well aware that things don't just fall into place nicely just because I've gotten my PR. I will still have to struggle with the many obstacles of life, just as I am now.


Whenever I think it's all too much, I go outside and sit in a park somewhere. In reality, it's all just happening in my head. It's really not all that bad. So yes, I am anxious about the results of my application and I am worried about getting a job, but I should not forget to live life.


I should stop thinking that my 'real' life will begin once I get my PR and a job, and that things will be better and more exciting once that happens, because I am living life now and life is really what you make it to be.

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