Wednesday, September 05, 2007

It is not the end

I wasn't having a good day in lab today.
It was hectic and as usual it involves a lot of running around trying to get everything organize without tripping over myself.

Then I get this text message. It was from my cousin.




"Hey I've got bad news for you. Read calmly okay. Your grandma passed away at 3 am this morning."









Now.

The first thing that came into my mind was, "Ha. That can't be true."

My lab partner Huey Yeng turned to me and asked me what was wrong. I turned to her wanting to laugh it off because it couldn't be true, it was all a sick joke but I couldn't say a word, instead I found myself crying :(






Mom had called me on Monday and I haven't spoken to her in weeks.

I asked how grandma was. Mom said that she was officially bed-ridden and that the doctor said that she was waiting for death.
She also said that grandma asked for me the other day which brought tears to my eyes.


I kinda cried when I heard this because it's just so ironic you know. .


My grandmother was someone who needed constant attention and was always ill. She always wound up in the hospital, wailing in bed, telling me that her time is up.

She always made me cry because I believed her :'(


As I grew older, I realized that she was just saying that to get sympathy from others. Everyone knew her tricks but I still love her anyway.
She may be grumpy, unreasonable and bitter but she was my grandma and no one's perfect, hey? I will miss her . . .



As I grew, I've learnt to tell her to not say such things and to believe that she'd get better.
Everyone tells me to take care of what I say to her because she takes everything personally. But I don't care what they say. I said and did whatever I wanted.
Despite what they say, I've never gotten into trouble with her :)


When I went back in July, she had been admitted into the hospital. Before I came back to Adelaide, she wailed and said that she would not get the chance to see me again. Once again, I told her that she will. I strongly believed that because it's always been that way... I would always see her again.

But I was wrong this time.






I've always thought the reason why she's bitter was because she's old and lonely. As long as I could remember, I've vowed never to grow to be like her. If I'm 60 and alone, I'll just buy myself a cute dog and pamper it.

She was such an unhappy person, always dwelling on negativity. . . constantly tortured herself with miserable thoughts and self-pity.



I want to be like my dad though. In the sense of filial piety . . . he may not be the best dad in the world but he was a damm great son.

He has lost both parents now. I can't imagine how that must feel.

My dad is the fourth child out of seven kids. And yet, everyone says my dad is the only one who truly cares for his parents and I believe that. Even grandma finally admitted that my dad was a good son.
She doesn't compliment people very often you know.


Dad is a workaholic and he's a busy man but he always made time.
He isn't a very affectionate man but when the two of us visited grandma in the hospital, he would fluff her pillows, feed her and stroke her hair.



He says that one should be filial and care for one's parents when they're old.
If there's one thing that my dad's done right, it's being a good son.

Sometimes I feel like he's slowly becoming like my grandma which isn't a very good thing but that wouldn't change anything. I'd still love him and I'd show him the same love that he has given to his parents.




She's only 68.
But she's always been weak and frail. Mom said that it was best this way.
She's in a better place now.

And I truly believe that she is.
Death is not the end of everything.









I remember being five or six at least at the time and we were visiting grandma.
Mom sitting on the edge of the bed and I was dancing around to the radio when my grandma came in.
She laughed at me and said I was silly but I just gave her a big grin and continued doing my thing.

She shook her head as she sat down next to my mom and watched me prance on.





Hey, and I'm a better dancer now ;)

2 comments:

datboon said...

hey....sorry to hear bout that. take care.

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