Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Decisions decisions...

So on Friday, I went into the lab and told Jas of my decision.
It was hard saying goodbye to Kelvin. I had to hold back my tears. He looked really upset too (surprisingly). Still didn't stop him from making me help him out in his project until the next bus comes. Exploiting me until the last minute =_=

But he's been a great mentor and he kept trying to give me advice. The one thing that he said that lingered in my mind was that Honours was just for one year.
I knew that too but it was just too difficult for me to continue in the lab at the moment. The thought of leaving it actually made me happy.

The next morning I woke up wondering if I should still do Honours. 
With every hour that passed by, the thought of doing Honours grew stronger.

I know that I still had a chance if I went with UniSA as the Honours program do not commence until mid-Feb.
It was perfect. I don't move into my new house until the end of February so it wouldn't conflict with any deadlines and I can be settled by then.

I know it would be a tight squeeze as it was already February but I wanted it so badly so I went to see my program director Dr Maurizo Costabile.
Thankfully he said that there was no problem if I wanted to apply.

I still have the daunting task of finding a supervisor and a suitable project but I know what I want now. I want a project that will ultimately contribute to helping someone out there with a disease.

If a supervisor takes me on, I will show him/her what I'm made of.
I will be a kick-ass Honours student.

Happy valentine's day everyone :)

Saturday, February 09, 2008

It's time to let go

I have just made the biggest decision of my life.

I have decided to discontinue my Honours project with Dr Jason Able.

I know it’s surprising especially I have been brought up (I suspect as most Asian kids are) to never give up in whatever I do and stick it through.

I for one, never expect to find myself here… where I thought most young adults find themselves; fresh out of uni with a qualification and yet no real sense of direction in life.

Two months ago, I figured that if I did Honours, I wouldn’t have to bother with the prospect of finding a job or applying for a PR. I thought that once I’ve finished my thesis, I would be able to sort that out in my own sweet time.

I am so unprepared for the real world. I’m scared but I’m excited.

One minute I can be extremely positive and thrilled at the thought of being in the workforce but the next, I fidget and squirm in my seat with horrible thoughts of being unemployed and having to return to Brunei. Ugh.

My decision to quit Honours was extremely hard.
I had a long heartfelt talk to Jason Able. He does this to each of his Honours students at the start of their year and apparently 99% of them has cried. You don’t have to wonder if I did.

I have had a thought about quitting before but I didn’t because I thought about the scholarship that I would have to give up.
But I didn’t quit and stuck through it for another three weeks.

Couple of days ago, my mom called and realized that I was unhappy. So she urged me to quit. I never saw that coming!
She reminded me that Honours was my choice and that I came to Australia to complete a degree. She said that I did it and she’s proud of me. At this point I was sobbing uncontrollably.

She said that it was still my decision whether I want to continue Honours or not and no matter what path I chose, she would be behind me and support me.

Funnily enough, the next morning Jason had the one-on-one talk with me and her words came back to me. Jas asked me a series of questions to determine how committed I would be to the project.

I do not feel the project with my heart and soul.

And because of my current situation, I cannot give him the 100% that he wants me to give.
I dread waking up some days because of the lengthy bus rides and long hours in the lab. I doubt that I can give him the 1st class that he wants me to. I am already feeling the immense pressure.

I know it seems rather early as most students haven’t even started theirs yet but my summer research project was actually a part of my Honours (I was to obtain a promoter gene required for my Honours project), so technically I have been thrown into the deep end of the pool from the start.
So it won’t be so bad if I stop now because Honours officially commenced last week.

Perhaps I’ll find another project that I would enjoy or maybe I’ll get a job.
I find myself waking up knowing that I can be a kick-ass Honours student if it was the right project and I wonder if I should let it all go.

Anyway it's still not too late to do so :)

Wish me luck!

And happy chinese new year!
Those of you who are collecting 'ang bao' please share some with me!!
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