Saturday, February 09, 2008

It's time to let go

I have just made the biggest decision of my life.

I have decided to discontinue my Honours project with Dr Jason Able.

I know it’s surprising especially I have been brought up (I suspect as most Asian kids are) to never give up in whatever I do and stick it through.

I for one, never expect to find myself here… where I thought most young adults find themselves; fresh out of uni with a qualification and yet no real sense of direction in life.

Two months ago, I figured that if I did Honours, I wouldn’t have to bother with the prospect of finding a job or applying for a PR. I thought that once I’ve finished my thesis, I would be able to sort that out in my own sweet time.

I am so unprepared for the real world. I’m scared but I’m excited.

One minute I can be extremely positive and thrilled at the thought of being in the workforce but the next, I fidget and squirm in my seat with horrible thoughts of being unemployed and having to return to Brunei. Ugh.

My decision to quit Honours was extremely hard.
I had a long heartfelt talk to Jason Able. He does this to each of his Honours students at the start of their year and apparently 99% of them has cried. You don’t have to wonder if I did.

I have had a thought about quitting before but I didn’t because I thought about the scholarship that I would have to give up.
But I didn’t quit and stuck through it for another three weeks.

Couple of days ago, my mom called and realized that I was unhappy. So she urged me to quit. I never saw that coming!
She reminded me that Honours was my choice and that I came to Australia to complete a degree. She said that I did it and she’s proud of me. At this point I was sobbing uncontrollably.

She said that it was still my decision whether I want to continue Honours or not and no matter what path I chose, she would be behind me and support me.

Funnily enough, the next morning Jason had the one-on-one talk with me and her words came back to me. Jas asked me a series of questions to determine how committed I would be to the project.

I do not feel the project with my heart and soul.

And because of my current situation, I cannot give him the 100% that he wants me to give.
I dread waking up some days because of the lengthy bus rides and long hours in the lab. I doubt that I can give him the 1st class that he wants me to. I am already feeling the immense pressure.

I know it seems rather early as most students haven’t even started theirs yet but my summer research project was actually a part of my Honours (I was to obtain a promoter gene required for my Honours project), so technically I have been thrown into the deep end of the pool from the start.
So it won’t be so bad if I stop now because Honours officially commenced last week.

Perhaps I’ll find another project that I would enjoy or maybe I’ll get a job.
I find myself waking up knowing that I can be a kick-ass Honours student if it was the right project and I wonder if I should let it all go.

Anyway it's still not too late to do so :)

Wish me luck!

And happy chinese new year!
Those of you who are collecting 'ang bao' please share some with me!!


datboon said...

hello..happy chinese new year. Hope ur feeling fine after purging ur feelings out. I'm sure u'll do fine in the future. Just keep an open mind & take everything 1 bit at a time. Take care & hope to see u around in Adelaide. =)

LishyWishy said...

Thank you :)
Those are very thoughtful words and I feel a lot better knowing that people aren't being judgmental and are actually supportive! Don't feel sorry for me though! I will make things happen for me!! :D

Happy chinese new year to you too and happy studying! (You just started classes no? hehee)

datboon said...

yeap...started on the 11th...this week is pretty easy going & only a few week onwards is gonna be killer after killer after killer.

neway, just ring me if u wanna meet up. Think josh has my number. Hope to see u around. take care.

shinichi said...

Good luck with everything and anything you choose to do... =)

choices are tough to make but i'm sure you will be ok. Stay strong, and take care! =)

Oh, Happy Chinese New Year! =)

friend of friend of friend,(heh)


LishyWishy said...

Thanks guys for the support :)

I have found my direction in life and I'm going to pursue it!

Good luck to you guys too!

Amy said...

Hey I am thinking about quitting Honours today and I read your blog. It's great to see someone actually has that feeling as well!

I'm doing Honours in economics. and after talking to my supervisor today, I find it so hard that I want to quit!

but I can't get a job or PR if I'm not doing Honours. lol poor me, stuck here

so did you end up quitting or not?

either way, best luck with your future!


Hi Amy :)
Thanks for reading!

We're both in the same boat.
It'll be extremely difficult for me to get a job or PR without Honours as well.

But I keep waking up still wanting to do Honours so I've found myself another supervisor and a project which is much better suited for me :)

I suggest you to weight the pros and cons like how I did.
I already knew the answer but I refused to acknowledge it. Because I was taught to never quit.

But I had to quit because it all got too much.
I was extremely scared and lost.

I wake up each morning wondering if I made the right decision.
I found myself still wanting to do Honours so I sought advice from lecturers and talked to the head of the Honours Course. He gave me time to look for another supervisor.

And here I am :)
Complaining about the amount of work of Honours but loving it at the same time ;)

I hope everything works out for you.
There are many ways to reach your goal. You just need to take your time and figure it out.

I wish you the best of luck Amy :)

Unknown said...

Hi,I am jessika from Indonesia. Have read about your story and I hope that everything gonna be okay for you. anw, good luck for your future endeavours.. =)
I am thinking of taking hons in waite next semester. would you like to suggest me any accomodation nearby waite for international student?

Anonymous said...

Refreshing to read tht i am not the only one thinking about quitting. I have been depressed and dreading doing it every day.I dread failing as I'm only a lower Distinction student. I talked to a few friends and family and have supported me. I was only doing it to try and secure a job (which was not necessarily a guarantee as I am living in a south east asian country and don't know chinese) Plus I am the type of student that really needs to focus 100% on my work. I would have had to do full time placement on top of the thesis.
I still wonder every day if I have made the right decision to finish my degree and volunteer to get experience plus learn chinese.But I hve to learn from my mistakes rather than follow a path that is well paved.

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